Connecting with parents in the inner city takes a lot of effort, and can seem like a distasteful task when we tend to see their failures as parents rather than their situations.
It is worth it to at least make an effort, and here are five simple ways to start the process:
1. Visit each child's home every week
Some ministries make this sound like a full-time job. It does not need to be. For our ministry, we would type up a little flyer with what was happening this week as an excuse to knock on their doors. Often it was a quick "Hi, I'm Kirsten from The Bridge. I just wanted to let you know what's going on this week at the Bridge." They would take the flyer and the door would close. But after a few weeks of doing this, they began to linger a little more. My goal was generally to get on first-name basis with a caregiver of each child. I wasn't expecting life-long friendships, but I did want to be able to recognize - and be recognized - by the caregivers of each child.
2. Involve parents in discipline situations
It is easy to handle discipline internally, and if/when children come from unsafe homes, the last thing we want to do is add fuel to the fire. However, omitting the parents from discipline situations is a mistake. Most parents care about their children, whether they know how to show it or not, and often talking through discipline issues is an opportunity for you to learn what has been tried with their children, as well as an opportunity for them to learn alternate discipline methods. It really can be a win-win.
If a child is afraid of you telling parents, help the child find a way to "redeem" their situation so when you talk to their parents, you can emphasize their change in behaviour rather than their "wrong" behaviour. I have been putting this principle into practice for over 10 years and I'll confess that there are some parents I'd rather never have to deal with again: their children are never at fault, or their children are always at fault and no matter what I say makes a difference; their attitude is "get me away from here." Sometimes those children have a grandparent or older sibling who are more profitable to talk to. But more often I have had parents tell me "Her teacher does this at school and it seems to work," or "You know, when he gets mad I usually just do this for a few minutes..." and often their advice really helps us!
3. Tell Parents when there is a cause to celebrate.
Inner city parents are used to being told all that is wrong with their child. The single best thing I have ever done in ministry with parents is to make it a point to note what kids are doing well and tell the parents this. I have knocked on doors to tell parents their kid won the basketball tournament, to show off a craft a kid made, to tell parents that their child was showing real kindness to someone, or even to say it's been 3 whole weeks since your child has been in any trouble. Well done!
4. Host a Family Night
Twice a year we host family nights: we bring in extra volunteers, serve chili and buns, have a slide show of the kids, and some extra activities to entertain the older/younger children. At Christmas we might do food hamper draws and in the summer have an outdoor band and hand out hot dogs. Whatever your excuse is, find a reason to bring the families in a couple times a year. It's a great opportunity for the kids to show off where they hang out, and lets us meet parents in a really casual way. Not all parents will come, but many will, and it's a great excuse for some face time.
5. Get forms signed personally
If you are like me, waiver forms are just about reason to cancel any event. I estimate printing off approximately 7 forms per child, and take 3-5 home visits per form to get handed in. What a pain! I hear with jealousy those ministries that hand out one form, and the next week 90% are handed in. (That happened once... only the forms came back 5 minutes later. I was a little suspicious that 90% of the kids' parents happened to be hanging around the corner and, sure enough, there was a line up of kids signing their own forms. .) As tedious as this is, if we choose to view this as a ministry opportunity rather than a trial, it goes much better. See, a parent has to talk to you. They can't be busy, get it later, or anything else. And you get to stand there and make small talk as you help them fill out the form. As much as I despise this part of the job, I really do think it's worth it to do something every year that requires a waiver form just so that I have to meet each parent. (Note: for those of us in difficult inner city scenarios, we sometimes need to choose discretion. In our ministry, we have decided there are times when it's okay for the actual caregiver, not necessarily the legal caregiver, to sign these forms.)
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